For the past couple of years, I have been studying failures. I wanted to learn why people fail and why some seem to succeed no matter the circumstances. I have read books, listened to podcasts, talked with people, and of course, searched social media. Failure is as common as breathing. People fail every day. Where I work we talk about teaching students everything they need to know to be successful. Well, I took that literally. I thought to myself that if people knew why people fail, then they might see their mistakes or warning signs that were leading them to failure. A quick Google search doesn’t turn up any books on how to be a failure. I have found my niche. So, if you were to teach students to be successful failures, you in turn would be teaching them great habits to make them successful. So I will lay out 10 Steps To Being a Successful Failure.

Step #1. Don’t Set Goals.

Goals? We don’t need no stinking goals. Just aim at nothing. Just wander aimlessly. Dont use a S.M.A.R.T. Goal, use a D.U.M.B. Goal

Step #2. Blame Everyone Else.

At no point, for no reason, do you take any blame. It is everyone else’s fault. It is imperative that you take no responsibility for anything. My favorite movie movie is The Blues Brothers. In the movie, Jake Elwood, played by John Belushi, uses a long line of excuses as to why it is not his fault that he left his former fiance at the alter. Like Jake, you must prepare your excuses ahead of time.

3. Don’t Prepare.

Pretend that you are Jason Bourne. When the need to be great arises, you will unlock some hidden talent and be the greatest to ever do it. Are you going to run a marathon? Wait until the day before to get your new shoes. Have a huge presentation? Don’t even have notes. Just go off the cuff.

4. Be a Passionate Procrastinator.

The best way to be a passionate procrastinator is to follow these 4 easy steps.

Don’t make time.
It actually is hard, so don’t start.
Compare yourself to experts.
Don’t know where to start? Don’t.

5. Use Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk is a great tool to use when you really want to be a failure. Negative self-talk creates more stress, more mental health problems, and leads to physical health problems. We all have a little critic that lives in our brains. Mine is Walter. He is so negative. He rears his little curmudgeon head all the time. I have two choices. I can choose to listen to him or choose to shut him up.

6. Do It All By Yourself.

Who needs help? Certainly, if you plan to be a failure, you do not need help. “Teamwork makes the dream work” is a common motivational tool. However, isolation robs you of joy, connection, and achievement. So, to be a successful failure, it is better to go it alone and not seek guidance and definitely do not work as a part of a team.

7. Be A Donkey.

I am not talking about an azz or a Democrat, I mean a real live donkey. Donkeys are very cautious, and stubborn and have a hard time making decisions. They hesitate rather than move forward, and dig in their heels against change. If we could be more like a donkey, we increase our chances of successfully failing. Google Buridan’s Donkey and figure out ways to be more like that donkey.

8. Only Accept Perfection

Make sure that everything is perfect. Whatever you do, do not give yourself permission to be a beginner. You must be a professional right out of the gate.

9. Give Up Early

‘When the going gets tough, pack it up and go home.” Adversity is common, the best way to be a successful failure is to avoid it at all costs. If things get tough, pack it up and go home. Read the book Three Feet From Gold. Be like Darby and give up too soon. Don’t consult any outside help.

10. Stop Learning.

A quick way to failure is to stop learning. Do not be curious about things. Do not take up new hobbies. Don’t learn how to play Parcheesi. New technology? Humbug. Trying out pickleball? Absolutely not. Reading books? That is so stupid. I read books in high school. learn to fly fish? Dumb. Write a blog? They all will laugh at you. Hopefully.

There you have it, 10 Ways To Be A Successful Failure. I hope you read this with a little tongue in cheek and maybe recognize places in your own lives where you can improve. The funny thing is that when I wrote this list at about 2am one morning, I found myself in several points. I think that is the point. We all have places we can improve to become the best version of ourselves.